This diary entry was written with the purpose of characterizing and depicting how Sor Juana`s life was negatively affected by the Bishop of Puebla`s hideous action of publishing the Athenagoric Letter and his own memorandum titled "Letter Worthy of AThena " directed to "Sor Philothea de la Cruz" in 1690.
Diary Entry
Dear not so dear me,
Today I woke up very early, after I had barely slept since my mind was going insane and my heart had been broken into a million pieces last night. I thought about not leaving bed and pretending I was sick, but even though I was in the middle of a mental breakdown, I would never, ever, under any circumstance, be able to commit such an atrocious sin of lying before God's eyes. I would also never be able to lie about any diseases, because I know how terribly the elderly sisters are struggling with their ailment since I am one of the sisters responsible for taking care of them in the infirmary of the convent. After I read some passages of the bible and all of those pessimistic feelings vanished from my heart and all of those horrid thoughts faded from my mind, I made my way out of bed, got dressed up and prayed thanking God for the new day I was given. I went to St. Paula`s school to teach music and drama to the captivating and brilliant little girls I weekly meet with, and felt my heart be dilacerated right beneath my chest when I arrived and found what I already expected, no young women would be attending class today. I came back to the convent and did my job as an archivist and accountant, but surprisingly, not that surprisingly actually, I was not given other chores and duties today. I knew no one here in the convent would talk to me about it other than the priest, not even one of my closest sisters, so I came back to my room. Maybe they wouldn't approach me because they wanted me to feel better and decided to give me some space to deal with it or maybe because they agreed with every hurtful and mindless words in that shallow letter. In a very surprising and astonishing manner, I was fine with it since with my forty years of experience dealing with such an inexcusable and senseless society, I was taught how to get used and over it. After what I read yesterday, a date I will never forget due to its appalling circumstances, I am convinced that my essential yet misunderstood books, crucial yet superfluous pens, smooth yet razor-sharp papers will be my only refuge now that even my own confessor, betrayed and mislead me. Yesterday, November 25th 1690, the Bishop of Puebla, the man to whom I confessed all of my feelings, sins and showed all of my writings so that he could understand without a single exception how I truly felt, published without my permission the theological letter and commentary I wrote about a sermon given more than thirty years ago in Lisbon by a Portuguese Jesuit, Antonio de Vieira. Not only did he betray my trust in a distasteful way, but along with publishing my own confidential piece of writing, he included a cautionary memorandum of his own, signed and directed to “Sor Filotea de la Cruz“, in which he chastised and criticized my behavior defending and fortifying the opinion that as a nun, I should only focus in my religious duties and should no longer desire knowledge for God made people to serve him and to learn about his wishes and doings, not about the irrelevant and needless information old books displayed. I know that the Bishop`s words are now in the mouth of oblivious and incognizant people whom, due to their prejudice and their mistaken vision of how society should be structured, will use my most vigorous beliefs against my desire to acquire education. I recall that several questions went through my head while I read his memorandum,like why did the Bishop betray me in such a distasteful manner, but the speculation that remained in my mind, as it is until now, would be of questioning myself of how arbitrary the society I live in can be, in order to try and impose that I should stop studying, when I know my interests in human arts and science are in order to understand sacred theology and also in order to interpret the Holy Bible with depth, in ways many believers, sisters, bishops never did or could. I wonder what loving to write has to do with adoring and obeying God, for I never wrote one word or phrase about disbelief in him, only about disappointment in the lack of faith and in the scarce conviction of his own sons. I know my God perceives my heart and recognizes that I am proud of the women I became and that I am contented with every single choice I made and of my intentions regarding my life and my religion.For this reason,I know that even though I am judged as erroneous for desiring and dedicating my free time after I have completed all of my obligations as a nun to studying and retrieving literacy by the intolerant and bias society that surrounds me, I know creator is the only one in power and in position to truly judge me and hopefully he will appreciate that I gave him my heart and soul and, distinctively from certain unjust opinions, he will discern that before I wanted to learn about secular studies, I knew all about what it took to serve and worship him, for my God is fair and was the only one who saw me my entire life as I truly was and as I truly am. I will try to sleep now since my head is pounding and my eyes are starting to water once again, hopefully my prayers will vanish all of these gloomy feelings away and I will be able to peacefully rest, I needed it.
Sincerely, your dreary self.
Diary Entry
Dear not so dear me,
Today I woke up very early, after I had barely slept since my mind was going insane and my heart had been broken into a million pieces last night. I thought about not leaving bed and pretending I was sick, but even though I was in the middle of a mental breakdown, I would never, ever, under any circumstance, be able to commit such an atrocious sin of lying before God's eyes. I would also never be able to lie about any diseases, because I know how terribly the elderly sisters are struggling with their ailment since I am one of the sisters responsible for taking care of them in the infirmary of the convent. After I read some passages of the bible and all of those pessimistic feelings vanished from my heart and all of those horrid thoughts faded from my mind, I made my way out of bed, got dressed up and prayed thanking God for the new day I was given. I went to St. Paula`s school to teach music and drama to the captivating and brilliant little girls I weekly meet with, and felt my heart be dilacerated right beneath my chest when I arrived and found what I already expected, no young women would be attending class today. I came back to the convent and did my job as an archivist and accountant, but surprisingly, not that surprisingly actually, I was not given other chores and duties today. I knew no one here in the convent would talk to me about it other than the priest, not even one of my closest sisters, so I came back to my room. Maybe they wouldn't approach me because they wanted me to feel better and decided to give me some space to deal with it or maybe because they agreed with every hurtful and mindless words in that shallow letter. In a very surprising and astonishing manner, I was fine with it since with my forty years of experience dealing with such an inexcusable and senseless society, I was taught how to get used and over it. After what I read yesterday, a date I will never forget due to its appalling circumstances, I am convinced that my essential yet misunderstood books, crucial yet superfluous pens, smooth yet razor-sharp papers will be my only refuge now that even my own confessor, betrayed and mislead me. Yesterday, November 25th 1690, the Bishop of Puebla, the man to whom I confessed all of my feelings, sins and showed all of my writings so that he could understand without a single exception how I truly felt, published without my permission the theological letter and commentary I wrote about a sermon given more than thirty years ago in Lisbon by a Portuguese Jesuit, Antonio de Vieira. Not only did he betray my trust in a distasteful way, but along with publishing my own confidential piece of writing, he included a cautionary memorandum of his own, signed and directed to “Sor Filotea de la Cruz“, in which he chastised and criticized my behavior defending and fortifying the opinion that as a nun, I should only focus in my religious duties and should no longer desire knowledge for God made people to serve him and to learn about his wishes and doings, not about the irrelevant and needless information old books displayed. I know that the Bishop`s words are now in the mouth of oblivious and incognizant people whom, due to their prejudice and their mistaken vision of how society should be structured, will use my most vigorous beliefs against my desire to acquire education. I recall that several questions went through my head while I read his memorandum,like why did the Bishop betray me in such a distasteful manner, but the speculation that remained in my mind, as it is until now, would be of questioning myself of how arbitrary the society I live in can be, in order to try and impose that I should stop studying, when I know my interests in human arts and science are in order to understand sacred theology and also in order to interpret the Holy Bible with depth, in ways many believers, sisters, bishops never did or could. I wonder what loving to write has to do with adoring and obeying God, for I never wrote one word or phrase about disbelief in him, only about disappointment in the lack of faith and in the scarce conviction of his own sons. I know my God perceives my heart and recognizes that I am proud of the women I became and that I am contented with every single choice I made and of my intentions regarding my life and my religion.For this reason,I know that even though I am judged as erroneous for desiring and dedicating my free time after I have completed all of my obligations as a nun to studying and retrieving literacy by the intolerant and bias society that surrounds me, I know creator is the only one in power and in position to truly judge me and hopefully he will appreciate that I gave him my heart and soul and, distinctively from certain unjust opinions, he will discern that before I wanted to learn about secular studies, I knew all about what it took to serve and worship him, for my God is fair and was the only one who saw me my entire life as I truly was and as I truly am. I will try to sleep now since my head is pounding and my eyes are starting to water once again, hopefully my prayers will vanish all of these gloomy feelings away and I will be able to peacefully rest, I needed it.
Sincerely, your dreary self.